*Warning - this post is VERY long*
Let me back up a little bit...
Over the last few months the Lord has been preparing us for this trial. Isn't that interesting? During Rance's ordination training (which I have been able to be a part of), we have studied endless hours on the character of God, the power of faith and unfaith, and the list goes on. We know from Scripture that our faith is what pleases the Father. We know in Scripture that trials will come and that the Lord sees them as times for great advancement. His purpose in allowing them is not to destroy us but to stimulate our spiritual growth. In His great wisdom, the Lord desires to take an awful situation and use it to continue transforming us into the image of Christ.
But, do we ever really know how we will actually respond until the trial comes? I know my desire is to respond well, but will I?
In a book I have been reading called "Teach Us to Want" - the author writes in response to trials and adversity by saying
"life has the inauspicious capability of driving like a reckless drunk. It careens off course, leaving no time to respond or react, no moment of clarity and courage for bracing against the impact."
"Life changes fast.
Life changes in an instant.
You sit down for dinner, and life as you know it ends."
"Whatever awaits us tomorrow, it is quite possibly not a scene we have expected, nor an act for which we have prepared."
Life does change fast - which brings me to our recent period of adversity!
In June, Rance and I found out we were pregnant with baby #2! Our hearts were overjoyed as you can imagine. We spent a couple of weeks celebrating and keeping it a secret just because. We went back and forth on how we wanted to tell my parents since they live in eastern, NC so basically we just kept putting it off and being indecisive. We finally decided we would share with them through FaceTime on Sunday, June 28th since Sundays are usually the only day my parents are actually home together during the day.
On Saturday, June 27th, I began spotting. I did not really think much of this since I spotted with Jayden and honestly, I just do not tend to overanalyze things. By Saturday night, I began bleeding heavily. Real heavy. It was a lot. I knew at this point it was a definite sign of a miscarriage and knew in my heart that that is what it was.
On Sunday, June 28th, Rance was filling in for Pastor Noah that morning at First Baptist Church. Jayden and I stayed at home due to the enormous amount of bleeding. That afternoon, we called my parents and told them all in the same sentence that we were pregnant but also having a miscarriage. That conversation was hard. I know in my mom's heart - she wanted to be physically there with me but even in that moment, I was able to encourage her that I was really okay! I completely trusted the Lord and knew that this was His plan. Yes, my heart was sad and tears flowed because what we had celebrated the previous few weeks had all changed so fast. God gave us emotions though and I knew even in my tears that my heart was fully resting in His sovereign plan. I did not doubt His perfect will.
On Monday, June 29th, we headed to the doctor and after doing a vaginal ultrasound - all signs pointed to a miscarriage and nothing else. From that day on, I went to the doctor every 2 days to have blood work drawn because my HCG levels were not changing. They were not going up, but also not coming down. Pregnancy tests still showed positive at each doctor's visit. The bleeding continued throughout this time. I seriously felt like I was going to run out of blood they took so much at each appointment.
In the midst, moment by moment, I felt joy and peace because the Lord gives us the freedom to choose to trust Him or not trust Him. God's character is not to hurt or harm me but to sanctify me by His truth. His goodness was not determined/based on my situation. To say God is good is not the same thing as saying life is good because life definitely didn't feel good right now. However, I had a choice in how I could choose to respond to all of this. Would I doubt the very character of God and all that I know to be TRUE in scripture? I could choose truth, I could choose pure thoughts, I could choose to believe God's word for what it says. I could choose the object of my faith to be Him alone.
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him...
On Tuesday, July 7th, I headed to the doctor alone that morning (having no idea what this day held). Rance was ready to jump in the car with me but I really thought there was no need in him coming for more blood to be drawn and that I would be totally fine!
After a wonderful conversation about the Lord with one of the nurses and losing some more blood for testing purposes, the doctor came in the room. She told me that my HCG levels not dropping meant there was something else wrong. She asked if I could wait about 30 minutes so that they could do another vaginal ultrasound and so they could figure out what the problem was. She said 'we had hoped this was not an ectopic pregancy, but it seems that might be the case.' Keep in mind, I am not a google person. I don't google all the 'what if's' and trying to figure out all that could be wrong with me. What I did know though is that an ectopic pregnancy is what you don't want, it's dangerous, and can be very bad. She walked out of the room and my first thought was 'why did I come to the doctor alone today???' What is so fun is that in that same moment of thinking that, I knew that thought was NOT from the Lord (one of my favorite verses to claim constantly is to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ in 2 Cor. 10:5). I was not alone. I knew there was no reason for me to even feel alone or wonder why I did not let Rance come with me that day. I quickly text Rance to let him know what was going on and he encouraged me to just read the Psalms and spend that time with Father while waiting.
Father, what is it you are wanting me to learn in this moment? I don't want to miss it...
I opened my Bible and skimmed until Psalm 34 quickly caught my eye since the FIRST verse said...
I will bless the Lord at ALL times. His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
The next 20 minutes were some of the most precious minutes of my life. I knew Father was comforting me. He was speaking to me through His Word. He was providing peace and confidence through His Spirit. I was meant to be in that room with just the Father that morning because otherwise, I would have missed knowing my Father more and experiencing such a sweet time of His presence in a moment of crisis. After about 20 minutes of reading that Psalm over and over and feeling so confident in God's perfect Word, Rance text me and said none other than...
"Read Psalm 34."
Really? Of all the Psalms, he told me to read Psalm 34???
I text back and told him that is what I had been reading the previous 20 minutes and then I began typing verse 7 which the Lord kept bringing me back to over and over again.
The Angel of the Lord encamps around all those who fear Him and delivers them.
In the same moment that text sent, I received a text from Rance with the EXACT SAME VERSE that the Father had him dwelling on.
This was the Father's pursuit that both of us would have totally missed had we been together that morning.
You can imagine - the tears came like a waterfall! There was nothing in me that felt scared, worried, fearful - I trusted in Him no matter what the next few minutes held. I knew that His angels were encamped all around me.
The next hour felt like a whirlwind. The ultrasound showed that I did have an ectopic pregnancy. Within minutes the doctor came in to talk about the danger and what we needed to do next. I remember her telling me so much at once but the part that I remember so clearly was "I need you to leave straight from here, head to the hospital, check in the women's unit, to prepare for emergency surgery. They will hook you up to fluid and IV's and once the operating room is open we will put you to sleep, do 3 incisions in your stomach, and remove the tissue. The reason this is such an emergency is because the danger/risk is your tube bursting which will cause internal bleeding which can be fatal." She had me sign a million papers and asked if I had any questions.
In that moment, I could not think of anything except 'will I have to stay there overnight?' My mind immediately went to Jayden. WE HAD NEVER LEFT HIM OVER NIGHT. She told me that I would need to stay. That was honestly the moment I felt like I may burst into tears...
(My thoughts: Lord I did not envision the first time leaving Jayden over night looking like this but even in this, I can see your grace because otherwise he may have been 5 before we ever left him. Basically, we like him a lot.)
As I walked out of the hospital, the tears flowed. These tears were not tears of doubt or worry or fear but just emotions - this hurt, this was hard, this was not fun, this is not how I envisioned my Tuesday, but even in this adversity, I knew that this was sifted through God's permissive will.
Lord, I need thee oh I need thee, every hour, I need thee...
I called Rance as I left the doctor's office that morning and headed towards the hospital. I know that phone call was a lot to take in and he had a lot of arrangements to make so that he could have Jayden settled for the night in order to head to the hospital to be with me.
Lord do not let this trial go to waste, use me please!
One of the sweetest praises during this was being able to encourage all the nurses and others in the hospital that were concerned about me hearing other babies cry that yes this situation in and of itself stinks but there is no part of me that is not so grateful for every cry that I hear because that means LIFE - life God breathed into existence - Life that He knit and formed. I didn't have to question why this was happening to me because I simply trusted the Lord's provision and focused on what I knew to be true based on His Word!
Father, I know you are eternally good and I trust you. I do not want to write my own story...
A couple of hours later, Rance arrived. Boy I was so happy to see him :) We cried and laughed and prayed and read the Word and waited and waited for my surgery. At 7pm that evening, my doctor came in to let me know that my surgery was being moved again - UNTIL 7AM the next morning!!!!!!!
Was this another test? Did she not tell me that morning that if my tube busted it could be fatal? If it was such an emergency why was I not being operated on yet?
Even in the midst of NOT understanding, being able to share with her about God's faithfulness even in this was GRAND!
Needless to say - it was a long night because hello, hospital beds stink, it was my first night away from little man and I was hungry. I had not been able to eat since 6:30 that morning and she did let me have a few cubes of ice and 2 crackers and some cheese to hold me until the next morning.
Wednesday morning had arrived and after much prayer, the Lord blessed my surgery in so many ways, I did not get sick at all from the anesthesia, and they did not have to remove my tubes in the process! I don't think I was fully prepared for the pain that came afterwards and the fact that I was not allowed to pick up or hold Jayden for 2 weeks - but I am grateful for those that helped in the midst! It was humbling to receive helping hands.
Would I change the last month? Not a chance. This trial has provided an increasing confidence in the Lord and who He is. The apostle Paul understood how to handle tough circumstances. Despite being in chains and confined to a prison cell, he kept his eyes on Christ and trusted firmly in Him and was even able to celebrate the Lord's work in his life. Focusing on Christ is NOT our natural reaction in trials though. Our fleshly instinct is to dwell on the situation at hand, searching for solutions or stewing over the pain. As a result, these troubles can feel and look insurmountable and overwhelm us completely.
What I am continuing to learn is the freedom in fully trusting the Lord (where the Spirit of the Lord is there is LIBERTY - 2 Cor. 3:17). A heart that is confident in Him is free from doubt and fear and worry. The two cannot coexist together. We either trust Him or we don't! It doesn't mean you will forget what you are going through (heck no, life is HARD) but you can choose to dwell on His provision and care instead. He is Deliverer, He is the Healer, He is our Guide! God isn't asking us to be happy about any difficult situation, but we can be satisfied that God is in control and up to something good in the midst of trouble. The Lord’s principles and promises don’t change, no matter how severe or painful the situation is. What am I learning, just like Paul, is we really can “rejoice in the Lord always” (Philippians 4:4) because He is always good - that is one thing that will never change.
I am reminded of simple, childlike faith when we sing...
Jesus loves me this I know...
WHY? How do I know?
FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO!
May we trust Him, for those who do, shall not lack anything!
Thankful we can walk this journey together with the Lord!
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